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Mortality

I first started dwelling on mortality in a big way when my much beloved grandmother passed away rather suddenly in 2001. I suppose it was to be expected - until then I did not have anyone close to me die. Although we did not see each other much in the latter years of her life (I was living in Engerland then and the last time I visited Malaysia was 4 years back on a 2-week visit) she was always in my thoughts and I was very sorry not to have been to KL to see her in 1997, 1998, 1999 or 2000. Especially since every time we spoke on the phone, she would ask me if I was planning a trip back that year.

Although I would like to think that she knew I love(d) her dearly and miss(ed) her terribly from across the miles, I cannot remember if I ever elucidated this to her. The irony of it all is that finally when I did make the trip back in 2001 I did not get to see her as she departed the morning my flight was due to leave. Double irony is that she never knew that I was on my way to La Malaysie. Unfortunately, the message I left with the famile was never conveyed to her; they did not want her to be disappointed as I had in the past canceled trips back to KL at the very last minute. 

It took me a long time to get over her death. To be honest I am not sure whether I am completely over it- or whether it is possible to 'get over' the loss of a loved one.  Years on and I still feel her absence and a certain sense of sadness strikes me whenever I think about how I did not manage to bid her farewell.

xxx

 As I mention earlier, it was after her death that I started obsessing re: mortality... for 6 months non-stop, in patches thereafter.

For reasons I will explain below, I was rather glad when these constant thoughts on mortality finally faded.  

Alas, following the sad event of PRL in July 07, my mind is back to constant dwelling mode.

xxx

Now the reason why I am not too happy about the current state of mind is this: My fixation with mortality brings about twofold result on the way I lead my life.  On one hand, is that I became hugely aware on how temporal life is and how important it is for me make the best of my (every)day life. Following this, I try to lead my life as honestly and ethically as possible. (Overall Good Result I think). On the other hand because the concept of mortality is always on my mind, my head space is often filled with morbid thoughts and I constantly fear that  i) someone close to me will suddenly die ii) someone close to me will suddenly die following an unresolved argument with me iii) they will die without my being able to say goodbye iv) they will die without knowing that they were much loved (by me) v) I will die a sudden death without being able to say goodbye vi) All of the above. Which means that each time I say goodbye to someone I care for, I feel a lump in my throat and feel a sudden despair at the thought of not seeing them ever again, irregardless of whether I would be seeing them later that same day, next week or next month. (Overall Bad Result I think). 

In addition to the above I also cannot stomach unresolved arguments and find myself containing unhappy emotions until I see the person face-to-face (Not sure if this is good or bad).

xxx

I normally like to have a concluding para to whatever it is I am writing (blog post, essay, speech etc) however I am not sure whether I am able to have one for this particular entry because I do not really know what it should be and where this post/analysis is leading to. I do know however that on Mothers Day this year, someone wrote into PostSecret and said that he and his mother have an understanding that no matter how much they argue, no matter how harsh their words can be to each other, they both know if something were to happen to either of them, they both would know each was loved by the other no matter what. It touched me. And so following this, I have said the same to SFM and have posted a note to Azuradec. I intend to convey the same message to the rest of the famile and inculcate the notion with Bubba D right from day 1. 

And for those who are dear to me reading this entry (there are a few of you) the same applies to you. 

xxx

 

Hectic City

We celebrated Ma SFM's 80th birthday yesterday. S&S joined us for the birthday lunch at the resto in the Botanical Gardens (great setting). Was great to see S&S - they had come to Singers for the day to see us. Damned chuffed and touched re their visit.

The birthday celebration was a success, Ma SFM is very happy to greet and spend the day with the other Sunflowers, especially Bubba D whom she is so loving. Unfortunately SFM had to leave for Tokyo late in the evening for a business trip; he is back Saturday morning. Its funny, when we moved to Singers, we thought it would be me that would be traveling loads. Not so as it turns out. I have not had to hop on a plane in the past 10 months for work related trips (ok so I was preggers and they were being kind) whereas SFM has been flying around, going to countries he had not covered (where I have been), thereby winning the 'who has travelled more' competition. Dang.

xxx

Life continues to be hectic. Or dare I say MORE Hectic for MORE reasons that I can mention.

xxx

The construction continues next door. Today the drilling was so unbearably loud that all 3 of us (Ma SFM, Bubba D and I) were cranky as anything. Ma SFM decided to take out her hearing aid and burrow her head into fluffy pillows. Bubba D (with cotton wool in his ears) decided he was not going to eat nor sleep as a sign of protest. Me? I would like to say that I decided to take control of the situation and bundled everyone into the car/taxi to escape to somewhere tranquil. Afraid not, instead, I continued to go through the motions, creative mind paralysed by a pounding headache. Sigh.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets a migrane. Ab fab.

xxx

Am dreaming of a change in scene i.e. blue skies, rolling hills, cooler climate and some culture. Seriously contemplating joining Azures for a short sojourn in the quaint land of books. Strap Bubba D in a Baby Bjorn and off we go? Hmmm perhaps perhaps perhaps.

April shower

Its been raining everyday save today.

And life has been incredibly hectic for all of us in the Avis-Sunflower household.

xxx

We received some really sad news last weekend - Ms Surprise's (whom I have bonded with over the past couple of weeks in our attempt to soothe Bubba D over his colic) husband was involved in a road accident and passed away instantly that friday night. Having only lost a dear dear friend through an accident last July, I can (to some extent since its her partner in life) feel the pain she is going through ... and can only numbly offer all our condolences, empathy and financial aid whilst we work towards getting her home for the funeral and bereavement time with her family.

Terribly frustrating that she was not able to fly home immediately for would you believe it - Philippines law require all maids to obtain a 'home leave' documentation from the Embassy (which takes 2-3 days, 1 day if you pay speedy fee) in order for them to enter and leave the country. Would you also believe that they charge SGD 220 for such a pass thereby making it impossible for most maids to afford trips home on their own salary. It all seems incredibly harsh to me.

All the paperwork was sorted out on urgent basis on Monday and we managed to put Ms Surprise on a plane at midnight. She returns in 2 weeks time.

xxx

SFM is busy busier busiest with work. As he make more inroads on his projects, the demand for his time increases too. Whilst he managed to get out of a week long trip to New Zealand he not been able to push back work here so he has been toiling and con-calling over the weekend and all through midnight most of last and this week. I feel as though it has been ages since we had some quality time together. What a shame.

Its rather strange to be with Bubba D totally on my own. Bathing time take longer now that I have zero assistance. I see now that I was being totally pampered - having the bath water prepared for us and clean bubba clothes on tap. There is also less 'me' time (and no nap time) in between feeds (if this was possible) now that the washing has to be done and meals are to prepared.

I wonder now how single mums manage on their own 24/7.

xxx

Ma Sunflower arrived in the wee hours of the morning today. She is here to celebrate her 80th birthday with us and to meet her grandson whom she said she has waited a looong time to arrive. We introduced Bubba D to his gran at his 7am feed. Unfortunately his eyes were closed so he didnt get to survey her as she did him.

He met her again at lunch. This time he was semi-awake. Gran finds it remarkable that his eyes are blue/gray/green given that he is half Asian. I must admit that am curious myself as thought that to have anything but brown/black eyes, I would have had to carry some recessive genes.

Jeng jeng jeng perhaps there is more than meet the eye...

3 Hour Slots

Cannot believe that its been 2 weeks since Bubba D arrived. On one hand it feels as though the inducement/labour was a lifetime away and on the other hand, it seems like it was only yesterday that we saw his face for the very first time...

The Avis folks left on Sat night and since then its been SFM, Bubba D and Me (and Ms Surprise) working on a new routine as a small little famile. Small little famile that I am so loving. SFM has taken the week off to spend quality time with us and its been a real delight to watch him interact with Bubba D who at the moment looks ALOT like him.

Presently, my hours (waking and sleep) are compartmentalised into 3 hourly slots, in accordance with Bubba D's feeding times. Its amazing to see days/nights broken up into segments like this and how sleepy I am feeling despite the little naps I take when Bubba D snoozes. Each morning I have high hopes of having abit more control and putting some MORE order and structure into my life (organising diaries, replying emails, sending out links, paying bills etc) and yet ev-er-y evening I realise that I havent managed to do any of it...

So how do I spend my 2 hours in between then? Delightful massage by super masseuse in the morning. A little nap in the afternoon and the remaining hours:
- pouring over Baby Books especially that much maligned Gina Ford's CLB (cover to cover, over and over AGAIN),
- hunched over my Mac, reading the alternative Malaysian News site on how Malaysian PM has NOT learnt his lesson despite the recent election result (he failed to trim down the cabinet AND elected those who failed to win seats in their constituency as advisers with full Minister status - que?! )
- clicking obsessively on International News pages.

Rest assured, I am aware that its almost official that USA is in a recession, the Bear Stern sale and its impact on interest rate and the world economy, Heather losing 10mil from her claim (and the plot -wot a shame) and how Barack is getting himself out the Pastor mess by tackling Race Issue head on.

My only comment on all of this - Its a little frustrating that the news site do not provide new noos regularly. Same columns keep greeting me over and over again. Funny to think that just because my life is rotating on 3 hour basis that the world outside still operate on the olde 24 hour system ; )

The squawking bird and Ms Surprise

For some strange reason, the folks who live in our neighbourhood love to keep birds in cages. The house in front of us has at least 3 of them and their dawn chorus wake us up most mornings. Whilst it is a very pleasant sound to rise to, I cant help thinking how much happier the birds (and I) would be if they were out and about, free... as a bird (should be). Then there is the house behind us. They too keep a bird. Only their caged possession/obsession is a noisy loud bird that does not ever stop squawking all day and night. Am thoroughly surprised that the bird has gone on for as long as it has and that none of the immediate neighbours have taken a shotgun to put it (and us) out of misery.

We have told our helper Ms Surprise that we wont breathe a word if she ever decides to do anything about that bird...

xxx

We're still getting used to having someone (apart from ourselves) live with us - its quite an adjustment. Its not just the presence, but also the absence of things. (i.e. for instance the book I left on the sofa will no longer be there the next day - it would have been put on the shelves). Its the same with face cleansers, any thing else apart from toothbrushes in the bathroom sink and chocolates in the fridge. haha.

SFM and I both are not chocolate fans but like having them in the house for visiting chocofiend guests like Azuradec. Since boxing day, we couldnt figure out where all the chocolates in the house had disappeared off to and kept purchasing them in our fortnightly big shop. 2 days ago, we found the answer when SFM saw choco wrappers falling from Ms Surprise's pockets just before we left for work. Now its all become clear: we have a sweet tooth in the house and chocolates are devoured for breakfast!

Ms Surprise earns her moniker because she loves to surprise us... with food. Surprise pack lunches and meals during the week and the random desserts on saturdays. Unfortunately 90% of the time, she is surprised by us instead... as we tend to have lunch plans on the days she pack the lunchies, tend to change our plans last minute and do not really fancy sweet dishes at 6pm before we go out for dinner on a Saturday night.

It doesnt help that she's not much of a cook... and that particular items purchased for special meals I have in mind to cook (and had told her so) been heaped haphazardly all together in a pot in the spirit of good intention and a desire to... surprise.

We have told her countless times now that rather than surprise us with food offerings she must must must sound out and find out from us if i) we are going to be home (we do try and tell her in advance but there are those impromptu outings) and ii) if we fancy a particular dish. Unfortunately this has fallen to deaf ears. Either that or she just doesnt get it. So till today we continue to be surprised with sweet pancakes, oily egg sarnies and mushed noodles - sometimes eaten in silence by SFM and me (when we're just too tired to say anything); other times, thrown straight into the bin.

To be honest, I dont really know what to say anymore. I have tried to convey the message in a number of different ways, every other day. Each time I think I have got through and she understands me - only to discover its not the case - when another 'surprise' greets us on the dining table.

SFM has also tried talking to her. However each time he speaks to her, she looks alarmed, twitches about and switches her glance to me, eyebrows raised and eyes wide with surprise.

Sigh. I loathe to be the horrible mean employer but am really wondering whether this arrangement is working out.

I really hope that Ms Surprise is good with kiddies as she is with chocolates.

xxx

Some Positive News (at last I hear you say!)

Yes, I have been in a bit of bluesy phase in past weeks. However, am pleased to report that am in much better space this week due to a number of reasons. Top on the list is that:

1. Finally after weeks of REALLY BAD SLEEP, I finally managed to get some QUALITY ZEDS 2 nights in a row! Although the loo trips are still constant, I am no longer coughing like a chain smoker. Last night, I only woke up twice to cough my guts out - a miracle compared to the every 15mins session I used to have. Obviously the Dried Ivy Leaf Extract does work (it just take many days to spring into action).

2. My ankles and fingers are LESS SWOLLEN than they have been in ages, thanks to treatment provided by SUPER masseuse specialising in pregnant women. Now, not only can I squeeze my feet into my shoes, I can also walk without wincing. I should have had the massage sooner. Never mind that 1 session here in Singers costs the same as 3 massages in La Malasie. I just have to stop converting dollars to Ringgit!

3. I have had quiet time to read, potter and REORGANISE my calendar, schedule, notebooks, lists and life in general. This never fails to fill me with a sense of CONTROL, CONTROL and CONTROL.

4. After a looong wait, I sat through and PASSED the theory driving test (which I was dreading). Useful information gained from whole exercise:
One must not stop within 3 metres of a fire hydrant; 6 metres of a junction and 9 metres from a bus stop. Also the normal bus lane hours in Singers operate from 730-930am 5-8pm Monday - Friday whereas the busy bus lane hours are 730am-8pm Monday-Saturday. Now, all I have to do is i) get a letter from the Authorities in Malaysia authenticating that I am not suspended driver and I will be able to convert my Malaysian driving license to the Singaporean one ii) muster some courage to get into the car and drive on unfamiliar streets. Surely if I can manage the streets of London and Capers, Singers should be a doddle?

5. All being well, in LESS than 4.5 weeks, baby Avis-Sunflower will be making his appearance and I will MEET the the little one that has been running/cycling/paddling in my belly and sticking his oars in my ribs. Definitely somefink to look forward to!

Grumpsteroo looking forward to the CNY hols

One great thing about working in Singers/Malaysia (and Hong Kong) is that: 1) We get 2 days off for Chinese/Lunar New Year 2) The 2 days off appear not long after the Christmas/New Year season. Which means... the year does not really kick off until mid February and there are a lot of holidays to look forward to in Jan/Feb. Huzzah.

xxx

Am feeling easily tired these days.

Leg cramps are a problemo and so are the well-meaning-but-never-ending-unsolicited-advise that am receiving these days on self preservation and bubba care, from the cleaning lady at work to the stranger behind the till at cold storage to old aunties and friends. Everyone has an opinion - from the stuff one should eat (ginger-expelling 'air' v non-ginger-jaundiced baby) to the breast pump one should procure (hand is best, battery operated, go for electric) and the thorny issue of work vs staying home to look after the baby that will only be 4 months once in his life.

Thing is each person has such strong opinions about these subjects and insist that they know best. Yadar yadar yadar. They go on and on even when am silent (taking it as acquiescence perhaps?) or well after I have changed the subject.

Look, I'd appreciate it if I asked for it, but I didnt, so can we just drop it alright?

xxx

Picked up a book from my TBR shelf - "Fugitive Pieces" a 1997 book written by Anne Michaels. Find it really beautifully written and haunting somewhat.

xxx

Have I said that am looking forward to the CNY holidays yet?

Stock in phrase will be...

Pups, oldest Avis Sibling always said one must always have a stock in phrase when one knows an awkward situation is around the corner (e.g. in the past when I was facing the big D and was constantly put on on the hot seat with difficult questions by nosy relatives etc). The rubbish question or statements that I seem to be facing these days is one thats related to my burgeoning girth (never mind that I have only put on 10kg as compared to the 31 that Milla Jovovitch piled on). Taking Pups advice, I have decided that from now on, my answers to all comments relating to how big I am getting is: I'm pregnant, so wots your excuse for being a tub of lard then? (Its strikes me as I am writing this that the people who do tend to comment are not the leanest either...why is that you think?)

xxx

Hectic season has strike at work once more. Everyone's engine is on full throttle now that 2007 is truly gone and 2008 is here to stay (for at least another 11 months anyway). We've been busy on the home front too, playing hosts to SFM's best mate and famile from Zim all of last week(s). We also had youngest Avis sibling visiting. They all left on Tuesday. Lots of business for the cabbies to and fro-ing from the Airport to Chez Avis-Sunflower. It was not just them for SFM also hopped on a plane - for Dubai and will be working there this week. House suddenly feels quiet and silent, lucky, good mate S is a-visiting from Berlin and is keeping the hum.

xxx

S is out at a meeting this evening. I had planned a quiet evening in today, sorting out list of things to purchase for upcoming event in March, fiddling with the mac and pottering around the house. Alas the nausea spell struck (after a disappearance of about 4 weeks) and so instead I spent a large proportion of the time, lying still, in front of the tele, drinking milk and breathing in and out s-l-o-w-l-y willing the yukky feeling to go away.

It did- after a while - and 1.5 glasses of chocolate milk, half a plate of pasta, a documentary on the fall of Berlin Wall and another one on Hitler's plan for a super city on the History Channel. We finally made good use of cable subscription after 4 months.

xxx

The Lunar New Year is coming up next week and we are going to get 2 days off, huzzah.

down and trying to be up

am not feeling particularly good these days. feeling stressed at work though manage to isolate self and soul from the external forces. its the internal forces that seems to be the problem... now if I wasnt grounded I'd be on the next plane for engerland to find me.

The Used Car Salesman

Two weeks ago, we purchased a set of wheels from a used car dealer.  Much to our surprise, the salesman, Jerry  is not only laid-back (ie non pushy) he's also rather (like the rest of singers) keen and earnest. 

Jerry's kindly agreed to sort out our expiring road tax and the insurance et al.  Over the weekend he told SFM that he's willing to come by my office to pick up our docs and return them once he's done.

At 1130am today Jerry calls me from his  moby to mine - to tell me he is on the way to my office and should be appearing in 30mins. 'I'll call you once I am in your office lobby', he added. I said: 'Great stuff, Jerry, it all sounds good, see you in 3o', put down the phone and added his moby number to my contacts list.

At noon Jerry rings.  I pick up the phone and say: 'Hi hi, are you downstairs?'

Our guy replies: 'No Ms. Avis, I am Jerry Lee, the person you bought the car from'