Alphabets

the truth and nothing but the truth

In an interview with In Style Magazine (this month's edition), Hilary Swank said something to this effect -  " I value those friends who tell me things I need to hear rather than what I want to hear." 

I couldnt agree with her more. 

Sure, it maybe painful to hear the awful truth, particularly if you have been trying to avoid facing up to it. Worst if one is an ostrich (me, me, me).  But really, wouldnt you rather have  friends who would say it as is rather than have them lie outright, fib half and half or avoid the issue altogether just to spare your feelings or because they did not want to get into a confrontation? Only to have them discuss the matter amongst themselves in your absence?

Unfortunately, in La Malaysie, honesty (in this context) is few and far between. Maybe its because the Asian default mode is to save face, avoid conflict and appease others.  So the norm is you hear what you want to hear  from friends; and you either:-

• dont hear what you need to hear at all; or
• you hear it after the event; or
• hear it as a gossip passed from one mouth to the other; or
• all of the above.

It sucks.

I find that its slightly different in the West.  Good mates dont say anything but they dont lie to you either. And if you ask them what they think, they will tell you. Very good mates dont wait to be asked to tell you. They hold no punches and give it to you straight, e.g.  " Youre acting like such a silly cow since the breakup, get wivvit."  "Your 6months  grace of being pathetic has ended, move on". " I hate your behaviour  when you have had one too many".  "You dont have to buy it just because its a quid".

Its not said in a judgmental, self righteous way at all. Just the truth, in a very matter of fact way.

Its tough but at least you know.  And you know that they wont be slagging you off behind your back.  Because once they have said it, and probably argued about it, that will be the end of the matter.  Thats just the way it is.

_________

post script: having said all of the above, i'd like to think that i am one of those who would be upfront with mates on this, however i know this is not the case. there was a time when I didnt have any compunction in offering my 2cents to my mates particularly if i knew that everyone was bitching about it behind them. but then i got caught in a number of sticky situations (funnily enough they were all Asians). so now,  though it pains me, I dont say anything. Save for when they ask me what I think. and then I take a deep breath and say: Really..? the truth and nothing but the truth?

verve

i love halva's recent post!   it's got energy & verve and inspires me to go out and do somefink different and exciting.

(left pix (c) rara avis "why did the eggs cross the road?" 2006)

Dorothy Parker, Tonto and I (or me?)

my partner in crime, tonto and i, are both "kelab seni filem"*  members.

and so every week, on monday @2200hrs, we try to make it to HELP Institute to get our fix of independent film/world cinema . 

it is quite a ritual.

we always make plans to meet at the food stalls at 1900 but inevitably, work and other matters never fail to conspire and hold us up. it'd be 1915 by the time by the time we get there (in our respective cars) and another 15 minutes before we find our own illegal parking spaces at pusat damansara. this means that every week we have 30mins to exchange news, insult men, slurp on our customary maggie sup** x2 and chomp on our 1 roti pisang to share before we sit down to watch some bleak film in a freezing cold ampitheatre.  (for some reason, yet to fathom, the films are always bleak and the ampitheatre always as cold as siberia, or at least as cold as i imagine Siberia to be)

last monday, HELP institute's timetable showed that there were no films. (we later discover that there was one, they had changed the timetable around) so for a change, we decided to do something different.  heh. we diverted to a food stall elsewhere (hartamas) and asked azuradec and salsa man to join us.

since we broke with tradition re: venue, i thought i'd test the waters and push the boat a little bit further. waved the waitron over and made a unilateral decision - instead of roti pisang*** to share as per usual, i ordered rojak**** for us. tonto was shocked and aghast. she looked at me with wounded eyes, accused me of being wild and harumphed at the rojak that the waitron laid on the table.( the spell was  probably casted then too) (we are both witches by the way and had we lived in a different time in a different land, we would no doubt be stirring cauldrons and then be stirred in one together.. lucky to be in KL 21st Century!)

the presentation was dire. RED peanut sauce. que? and pink tofu. PINK tofu! how crazy was that ?! it wasnt just the colour, it was also the taste (or lack thereof) - it wasnt crispy as how all good rojaks in the universe ought to be. it tasted like wet sponge. 

you turn wild one time and you get YUKKY PINK food.  what can i say?! i've learned my lesson well. it was simply this - on mondays for the rest of our lives, tonto and i simply must adhere to the maggie soupx2 and 1 roti pisang to share or we'd get PINK SPONGEY NOSH!

happy to report however, that most of the other things remained constant. we managed to catch up and we insulted men. like we do every monday evenings.  and before  azures and salsa man showed up to join us (well salsa man was motly quiet and we are still wondering why) in our weekly tirade, we even managed to talk about our love for the genius writer and poet dorothy parker.

Tonto had some of her favourite DP's sayings in her blog and so i told her i'd add my favourite ones on alphabets as a joint tribute just because. so here goes.

the one i like best -

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns arent lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

- Resume, CDP p.154

xxx

and this classic lines i loooove too -

Men seldom make passes

At girls who wears glasses

- News item, CDP p.174

xxx

and of course this one that tonto and i always giggle to -

Should they whisper false of you,

Never trouble to deny;

Should the words they say be true,

Weep and storm and swear they lie.

- Superfluous advice CDP p. 349

xxx

She was briliant Dorothy Parker, absolutely brilliant. 

Her own epitaph:

Excuse my Dust

I like to think of my shining tombstone.  It gives me, as you might say, something to live for.

Dorothy Parker, b.1893 -1967.

[May you be RIP-ing or as she would probably have said RIP-eeing]

_______________________________________________________

*kelab seni film: art film society

**maggie sup: maggie instant noodles soup

***roti pisang: delicious fluffy bread which is a cross between a nan and a chapati with banana filling. YUMS

****rojak: wild medley of strips of  cucumber and waterchessnut , lots of  CRISPY tofu and boiled eggs  covered with peanut sauce.

the sun and the sea

the week was manic.
hectic.
frenetic.
managed to get the work out of the way and broke the news to uber bosses that am due for a leave on monday (in lieu of working on merdeka day) and wont be around to further refine words on paper.

much loved friend arrived on saturday at dawn. we meet in KLIA and then T is kidnapped to K. Terengganu. From there, we travelled owards to redang
bus
ferry
shore

redang is as beautiful as i remembered it to be.

we havent seen each other in 3 years.
In this time, we communicated but did not reveal.
so much has happened in our lives... but we only acknowledged the macro events - never the micro.
location - yes.
job - yes. the folks and siblings - yes.
the travels - yes.
the personal or the love life - no, never.

midday
we 've caught up on the present and the upcoming events in our lives.
afternoon
under the shade of an enormous palm tree (me) and the fierce ray of the sun (T), we slip into old mode, indulging in each other's company. inquisitive of each other.
dusk
we become more open, more forthright with our answers.
under the crescent moon
lump in throat - i say: "OK T, lets get to the diffy bits"
T looks at me in the eye and says: you start. you go first. for someone who didnt believe in marriage nor want to talk about it. what was all that about then? (or something to that effect)
me: gulp. where do i start?

we exchange stories about relationships - failed, non existing, on going?
we skated on past times.
we recalled the happy times and wondered why that ceased.
we (both?) cant remember - perhaps its because we prefer not to.
lets talk about happy things we decided
about now.
we swap anecdotes.

we revert to conversations about
politics - labour's failings, the crazy war and the middle east conflict;
music - a whole lot of bands i havent heard is good and the cringey songs the local radio makes us listen to;
films - lost in translation & before sunset get the thumbs up;
ivan in jamaica - the carnage there and whether those guys in kingston sought shelter in cinchona up in the blue mountains.
we reminisce about our road trip around jamaica
the scary moments when we were chased by mad men in souped up car down the coast;
the lovely times at frenchman's cove where the fresh and salwater fused into a lagoon; and
wolfie - dear old wolfie the impatient, silly mad giant of a puppy who scampered around eager for morsels of ginger biscuits.
dear old wolfie who died 2 weeks after T left after eating rat poison by mistake.

and of course our perennial favourite: travelling tales
T has just been to india and hiked through 2 passes of the himalayas.
ooooooooh.

I check out T's hiking stuff in his ultra cool rucksack. oooooh he has it, the item i so covert during my previous expeditions. the torch clipped on head.
gadget that enables one to free hands , the thing that marks the veteran from the amateurs
xx

T has caught severe food posoining. its ironic. Escaped delhi belly and got caught by food/aqua in redang. we skip snorkelling and chill by the beach. reading globalisation and its discontent (me) some book on mountain which i cannot recall this moment (T). we also focus on the fresh air (me) tan (T).

xx

on deck chairs under the shade of giant palm trees, i wonder (again) how is it that we are able to just engage with some so effortlessly and others not. how is it that some relationships are so easy and some so hard and difficult. is it the background we grew up in, the belief systems we share, the common interests or just the way we are wired up.

there are those whom you fee so comfortable with, you dont need to make conversation.
there are no akward silences, no cavities of discomfort.

and then there are those where you struggle to keep on the same wave length.

xx

it doesnt matter how long its been - how often (or not) we've communicated in the past 3 years. nor what happens after this - we know that this friendship is based on something deep and meaningful.
we're lucky to have this and thus, despite the food poisoning (T) and the scorching heat (me), we
sit contentedly under those trees (me) the sun (T).
happy to be together.
as friends.
for now and ever.

xx

i am now very tanned and freckly.