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what a great idea

I have always been a great fan of Matt and am glad to see that he has come up with a new vid.

It takes a while to stream but it's definitely worth it particularly when everything in the news sounds/reads grim grim grim.

My absent friend

You left so suddenly.

I miss you - 

Your wicked chuckle; 

your kind heart; and 

your essence.

All the world's a stage

Not had much time to blog nor bloghop these past few weeks -things have been even more hectic than normal.

Have however managed to catch up on the news (guardian weekly, guardian online, malaysiakini, malaysia today and other alternative malaysian news sites). seems like there is much to be depressed about (environmental damage, food shortage, fuel crisis etc) particularly if one is a Zimbo, a Malaysian or both.

Re: Zim - Its been in the world news for months(?) now and has anything changed? Newt.  We have all read/seen how farcical the whole election has been and the number of innocent people who have been killed just because Bob and his gang wants to hang on to power. Never mind that the Zimbos are starving due to the lack of food or because  economic situation there is beyond bad or that the currency is worth less than bog roll. Its all about some despotic men wanting to stay in p-o-w-e-r.

And then.. across the Indian Ocean there is La Malaysie. Mired in scandal after scandal. First a Mongolian Model/Translator gets blown up to smithereens in a jungle by explosives belonging to the police. (None of this gets reported until her friends lodge a missing person report at the Mongolian Consulate in Thailand i.e. outside Malaysia). A couple of policemen and close associate of the Deputy Prime Minister gets arrested and charged for the murder. The trial is protracted, the trial judge and public prosecutors are shuffled about without apparent reason. Word on the street is that these are scapegoats and that the real perpetrators remain unchecked and free to shop walk the streets of London, Paris and NYC. A year(more?) on, nation-famous-maverick-blogger reveals in a statutory declaration that he has been 'reliably informed' that Mrs Deputy Prime Minister was there that night in the jungle when the C4 was being strapped on. Lady Macbeth refutes the allegation -lies lies she cries.. but nonetheless refuses to sue for she has better things to do like cut ribbonsserve the people.  Mainstream press remains silent; alternative media sees their readership rise (though number of subscriptions remain the same). Days later, opposition leader finds himself accused of buggering his 23 year old aide in posh condo (sodomy is a crime in la malasie sigh). Oooh its dejavu for the masses (at least for those above 10 years of age). MAinstream press spend columns on constipation and anal fissures; alternative press questions the timing and the whys. The plot becomes murkier  -aide is revealed to have had access to Macbeth. Macbeth first denies than latterly admits to have met him in his private residence day(s) before the police report was lodged. "He was traumatised and his hands were cold" Macbeth said (how he knew how cold they were, I dont really want to know). Then just when you thought things couldnt get more complicated they do. Opposition Leader holds a press conference and reveals 'tadah'  that the Private Investigator hired by close associate in the Mongolian case has something to say (via statutory declaration)- Mongolian model/translator (interesting that one is tagged by job(s) that one did when alive) had sexual relations with Macbeth; was owed money for submarine deals and close associate had received text from Macbeth to stay cool. And that he had told sting and his bandmates all of these but none of it were retained in his final witness statement. Then hang on before you can spell c-o-n-s-p-i-r-a-c-y n-u-m-b-e-r-o-n-e-h-u-n-d-r-e-d-a-n-d-f-i-v-e, the PI reappears next day (no doubt after spending the evening with his chums from the station) defensive and generally unhappy-looking to retract his statutory declaration. Great play folks.

General response from the conservative, pro-establishment camp: Ah the opposition is trying to destroy the country, that bugger. Why do this, why open the can of worms; she wasn't a nice girl anyway.

General response from the masses: We're not stupid stoopid; Its all conspiracy conspiracy conspiracy from the top to the bottom. 

Response from me: Its a worrying state of affairs. For a country that seem so obsess with the affectations of a particular religion (which ironically substantively ranks honesty and equality as prerequisites) and oxymoronly- supremacy of a race, the system pervaded by that one race seem so bereft of moral, ethics and plain honesty. Something smells rotten in the state of Denmark Malaysia and I dont think its the food. If we dont watch it, Malaysie is so capable of turning into a today Zim.

Where are Mulder and Scully?

 

bah

Had attempted to post over the weekend but efforts were wasted - not sure if this was due to typepad, home broadband connection or internal techno gizmo gizmo wizardry gone wrong. Whatever it is, picture of Bubba D under pirate hat together with some words now missing, floating randomly in cyberspace. A bit like how I felt, latter half of last week.

Slipping back into the new old routine

Wake up.  Shower. Feed, wash and dress the Bubba.  Chomp on breakfast. Cereal and soy milk, marmite on toast. 10min walk to the MRT station. Jostle into train. Walk briskly to the office. Log on. Read and delete mails.Send out mails. Receive text from Ms Surprise on Bubba D's feeding/pooing/sleeping activities. Attend meetings. Make phone calls. Express.  Lunch. Read and delete more mails. Send out some more mails. Receive text from Ms Surprise on Bubba D. Ponder on work issues. Think about Bubba D. Express. Write memos and project notes. Attend meetings. Log off. Run to the MRT station.  Hop on train. Squeeze past the crowd. Trot home. Run into the house. Wash hands. Take Bubba into arms. Play with Bubba for 10minutes. Bathe and feed Bubba. Settle him down to sleep.  Speak to Azuradec. Have dinner. Surf the net (in exhausted state). Feed Bubba. Sleep intermittently. 

Wish there were more hours to the day so I can spend more time with Bubba D.

3 months already?

Dang it was hard to walk out of the house and head for work last wednesday. Could not help but think of Bubba D all the time and had to resist the urge to call home 3 times per hour to find out how he was doing. Managed to call/text once every 3 hours instead: Ms Surprise, is Bubba D taking to the bottle ok? Is his belly alright? What about sleep time? Is he missing me as much as I am missing him? Suffice to say the day/week couldnt end early enough... 

Lots of changes in the workplace. All the projects I was running were completed by my team mates in my absence (I had planned for them to be closed by end of March but as we all know Bubba D had to come out 3 weeks earlier than planned). I am now taking on brand new stuff involving various departments I have never dealt with before. Changes abound in the people am dealing with (number of folks have left and some have been asked to leave) There has been a number of lateral and horizontal movement too. One of which involves my boss (whom I get on very well with) - he has been promoted and will be moving out of the division am in. Sniff.

So overall, am dealing with an "all  change" on a whole host of fronts - adjusting to the new situ within an old environment; adapting to being a working mum and seeing my bubba for a shorter time.

Aiming to remain positive, shake of the last 4kg of my booty, put on some eyeliner and lip gloss and become the yummy mummy that I said I'd be.

Nursery tales

So many things happened in August last year.  We moved homes across the causeway, I took on a new job doing somefink completely different and we discovered that I was preggers. 

The changes could not have happened at a more awkward time: I was feeling as sick as a dawg, lethargic as a slug and as hormonal as a pregnant woman can ever be. All I felt like doing was to sleep or to lay very still on the couch. Yet what I ended up doing was to spend lots of hours at the office learning the ropes; unpacking loads of boxes and turning the house into a home. The hours in between were spent in the loo - either chucking up or emptying my bladder.

Not surprisingly, I did not really feel like myself.  And though I made efforts to try and resurface me by pushing my physical self to do more and forcing my emotional self into a less moody headspace I do not think I quite managed it  (I must have whinged about it enough times though).

xxx

Things have improved tremendously since Bubba arrived.  Not only do I feel much better physically, my state of mind is also on the up.  I feel incredibly thankful to have Bubba D come out healthy and well and very happy to be loving him as much as I do. 

Added to this, is the great feeling of having my body back and to live once more without the chuck-up sessions, nausea spells and frequent visitations to the loo.  woohoo.

Suddenly I feel like me again - well sort of.  Me again though this time its me with Bubba D thoughts constantly in my mind.

xxx

I discussed this concerned feeling with Ma SF. I said perhaps this was due to D being a wee baby and that it will reduce over time? She shook her head: No, she says. I am afraid the feeling will remain - even when your child is about to turn 40 next year. 

xxx

Am back at the office on the 4th of June. Yeowsers its going to be difficult. I have just got so used to spending almost all my time with Bubba D and going about our routine day in day out in the past 3 months.  

Just as well I have upped/extended the practice sessions - so that i) I will not be a wreck next wednesday and ii) Ms Surprise does get some time with Bubba D before next week.

xxx

In  preparing for my return to work and the world outside the nursery home, I have been to the hairdressers to get a new look; the manicurist for a mani/pedi; and the Singapore Sale for some new outfits. 

Wow what a feeling it is to purchase a size 10 once again after all these months!  

xxx

Mortality

I first started dwelling on mortality in a big way when my much beloved grandmother passed away rather suddenly in 2001. I suppose it was to be expected - until then I did not have anyone close to me die. Although we did not see each other much in the latter years of her life (I was living in Engerland then and the last time I visited Malaysia was 4 years back on a 2-week visit) she was always in my thoughts and I was very sorry not to have been to KL to see her in 1997, 1998, 1999 or 2000. Especially since every time we spoke on the phone, she would ask me if I was planning a trip back that year.

Although I would like to think that she knew I love(d) her dearly and miss(ed) her terribly from across the miles, I cannot remember if I ever elucidated this to her. The irony of it all is that finally when I did make the trip back in 2001 I did not get to see her as she departed the morning my flight was due to leave. Double irony is that she never knew that I was on my way to La Malaysie. Unfortunately, the message I left with the famile was never conveyed to her; they did not want her to be disappointed as I had in the past canceled trips back to KL at the very last minute. 

It took me a long time to get over her death. To be honest I am not sure whether I am completely over it- or whether it is possible to 'get over' the loss of a loved one.  Years on and I still feel her absence and a certain sense of sadness strikes me whenever I think about how I did not manage to bid her farewell.

xxx

 As I mention earlier, it was after her death that I started obsessing re: mortality... for 6 months non-stop, in patches thereafter.

For reasons I will explain below, I was rather glad when these constant thoughts on mortality finally faded.  

Alas, following the sad event of PRL in July 07, my mind is back to constant dwelling mode.

xxx

Now the reason why I am not too happy about the current state of mind is this: My fixation with mortality brings about twofold result on the way I lead my life.  On one hand, is that I became hugely aware on how temporal life is and how important it is for me make the best of my (every)day life. Following this, I try to lead my life as honestly and ethically as possible. (Overall Good Result I think). On the other hand because the concept of mortality is always on my mind, my head space is often filled with morbid thoughts and I constantly fear that  i) someone close to me will suddenly die ii) someone close to me will suddenly die following an unresolved argument with me iii) they will die without my being able to say goodbye iv) they will die without knowing that they were much loved (by me) v) I will die a sudden death without being able to say goodbye vi) All of the above. Which means that each time I say goodbye to someone I care for, I feel a lump in my throat and feel a sudden despair at the thought of not seeing them ever again, irregardless of whether I would be seeing them later that same day, next week or next month. (Overall Bad Result I think). 

In addition to the above I also cannot stomach unresolved arguments and find myself containing unhappy emotions until I see the person face-to-face (Not sure if this is good or bad).

xxx

I normally like to have a concluding para to whatever it is I am writing (blog post, essay, speech etc) however I am not sure whether I am able to have one for this particular entry because I do not really know what it should be and where this post/analysis is leading to. I do know however that on Mothers Day this year, someone wrote into PostSecret and said that he and his mother have an understanding that no matter how much they argue, no matter how harsh their words can be to each other, they both know if something were to happen to either of them, they both would know each was loved by the other no matter what. It touched me. And so following this, I have said the same to SFM and have posted a note to Azuradec. I intend to convey the same message to the rest of the famile and inculcate the notion with Bubba D right from day 1. 

And for those who are dear to me reading this entry (there are a few of you) the same applies to you. 

xxx

 

been ages since I read a (non-baby related) book

After some very tough weeks, things are finally getting better (touch wood). SFM is back from his business travels and so is Ms Surprise. Ma SF is in a better mood now that her 80th is done and over with and SFM is back in town. Bubba D's colic has improved... a little. Today after a phone call with Ezly Mezly we deduced that perhaps its my daily cheese lunchbox that is causing him great discomfort. I cut the cheese today and found Bubba D to be happy bunny at 3-4pm as opposed to fretful posseting redfaced rabbit. Now, the only thing that still remains to be fixed is my sciatic nerve pain. I have been wanting to call the masseuse (she of the you were beautiful once) since last week for a deep tissue massage to fix it but have not done so because I just cannot bear listening to her chit chat. However this afternoon, the pain was so intense I crumbled. Our session is on tomorrow morning at 8. Hopefully I will be A-OK by 9.

xxx

I managed my first outing without the Bubba on tuesday afternoon. Boy it was difficult to step out of the house. I must have left 100 instructions for Ms Surprise, even though I was only going to be away for 3 hours. And yes despite my best intentions, I couldnt help but call Ms Surprise to find out if he was ok after 1.5 hours of being out. Ma SF was amused and she like me am wondering HOW AM I GOING TO GO BACK TO WORK given the current state that I am in. I guess I just have to have more of these outings before 5th June appears so as to avoid being a wreck at the workplace when the time comes. Yeowsers.

xxx

Ma SF has been here for 2.5 weeks and will be leaving in 1.5 weeks. Already she feels sad at the idea of leaving us, especially Bubba D once the month is up. I feel sad too that we will not see her before Christmas. We talk about the possibility of all of us being in the same country. It seems impossible at the moment. Singers is way too hot and humid for her and Cape Town does not have the jobs for SFM and I. Jozy would be a tad closer to her but it's also crime city innit. Well, we were all rather hopeful that things would change in Zim post election but as the weeks slip by, our hopes are slowly fading. Well when I say our, I mean Ma SF and I for SFM still thinks that things will become right soon. My view - sadly I think things will get worst before it gets better. Urgh cannot believe how Malaysia's ex PM can be such good mates with Bob. Then again having seen a recent interview of him on BBC's Hardtalk where nonsense were uttered perhaps I can.

xxx

Talking of nonsense, there is a lot of that happening in Malaysia this week. A blogger has been charged with Sedition for writing what everyone on the street thinks re: murder of Mongolian Model. Sigh. As usual, these things are not covered adequately (not fairly) by the mainstream press so for us who want to know more of these things we have to read the alternative media (often online) and what other political bloggers have to say. Double Sigh.

xxx

Apart from news blogs, my guardian weekly (am 2 weeks behind) and baby books, I have not read much at all.

A break from the Norm

Have I whinged enough - the past 2 weeks have been beyond hectic...So hectic that have barely had time to draw up lists of things that need doing ( a must do for all respectable obsessive compulsive list makers), shower longer than 5 minutes, read, let alone post a blog entry.

Then, amidst all the chaos and madness, SFM took his little famile on a trip to Bintan to celebrate Ma SFM's 80th Birthday last weekend. Ahh and oooh WOT A TREAT.

For the first time in my life, I wasnt able to check out the place and the surrounds of place of visitation immediately upon arrival. (Feed, nappy change and calming bubba D took precedence)Actually, now that I think about it, because it was such a short trip, I did not manage to check the surrounds at all!

I did however manage to enjoy the villa and its gorgeous gorgeous view... and take loads of pictures...